The things you do for family...

I recently heard a really sad story involving a girl - who time and time again proves to be one of the most vile creatures on this earth - and a decision she acted on that made me cringe as soon as I heard it.

Let's just say that she had a baby with a crack-cocaine user and whether or not she was actively using drugs during her pregnancy, I do not know, but I know that the father of the baby was. The biological father left her during the entirety of her pregnancy, and she met another man who stayed with her in all this time.

After the child was born, the man that was with her throughout her pregnancy continued to stay and father the child, knowing fully well that it was not his. He loved her and he loved the child, enough at least to call it his own, and to be quite honest, I've seen pictures - you can see that he truly loved the baby. I have heard stories about his drug use, but also that he made the decision to stay clean to be a responsible father to the new baby - And I guess you can say that takes a lot out of a person. It took months for my son's father to stay clean of drugs and even now I don't even know for sure that he has.

But back to this story, I found out today that the aforementioned girl left this man because the biological father of the child - after disappearing for the entire pregnancy, the birth, and the first few months thereafter - decided to come back and be a family with her and the baby. It's not personally my business, but nowadays - nothing is ever anyone's business, yet once we hear stories like this, we all judge, we all sympathize where sympathy is due and we all listen to these stories with something to say - because that's just the way life is.

Anyway, the biological father is apparently still a crack user. And the father - the loving father - is apparently clean and so broken hearted. I cannot stress enough how angry this makes me feel.

So I'll stop talking about other people and relay this back to myself.

I'm pretty sure by now everyone knows how much I love my boyfriend. It's not even a question.
Though I will admit that in the past, before Anthony was even a thought, I still wanted that picturesque "mommy & daddy" family with Tyler despite his very many flaws and insecurities. It wasn't so much something I wanted for myself, but something I wanted for the family I envisioned for my future and I figured it made the most sense for me to be with Tyler because we had Matheson together.

After a while though, I realized that I just didn't see a father in Tyler anymore and even before I met Anthony, I knew I could never feel anything for Tyler because I wasn't 16 anymore and I wasn't a hopeless romantic. In a way, everything Tyler did to me ended up toughening my skin for everything else that happened thereafter and I'm still grateful for that.

The thing is, even if I had met Anthony BEFORE I came to the realization that Tyler was literally just the sperm-donor to the wonderful little boy I have now, I STILL wouldn't have left Anthony for Tyler - even with the flawed desire to have a "complete" family.

I guess I'm biased now because as far as I'm concerned, I already have a complete family, but I know that even then, it wasn't about who wanted to be in my life, it was about who was already in it. If Anthony put in as much effort then to be as amazing for Matheson and I now, there is no way in hell I would even so much as think that anyone else could do a better job, especially, ESPECIALLY not someone who left me because he didn't want to be apart of my life when things got "rough".

Moving on, today I talked to Matheson's teacher. She actually asked me about Anthony because she's overheard Matheson telling his friends about "Anthony" and "mommy's boyfriend".

I asked her if it was a problem, she said no, in fact, it was a good thing. But she got concerned and asked me what Anthony's role was in Matheson's life and if I thought it was at all serious - or something I saw as being constant. I said yes and she just smiled at me reluctantly. She told me that Matheson's behaviour lately has reflected his dad's "resurrection" and that in the last two days he's lost focus and has been very distracted. Then she told me that Matheson loves talking about my dad (Matheson's "lolo") and Anthony because - as she explained - they teach him new things all the time, but that if he wants to have a stable life, Tyler either needs to be in it or out of it because having two consistent role models isn't going to do anything if his dad keeps disappearing whenever he wants. So finally she said "Miss Garcia, you need to tell Tyler that he needs to straighten up. He's either in or he's out. I've seen way too many kids grow up with the inconsistency of a parent's involvement in their life and it never ends well. I hope everything goes well with you and your boyfriend because it looks like everything was going just fine before this whole thing over the weekend."

Boom.

Relating back to the initial story that triggered this post...
I feel so sorry for this guy. Like my heart is genuinely breaking for him. Imagine doing so much and probably going through painful withdrawals because you're responsible and dedicated to the people you love, only to be betrayed and left for a man who already left his family and is addicted to crack. Like, what!?

I mean, I just feel this way because after seeing with my own eyes how much Anthony has loved and cared about Matheson up to this point - I can hardly even imagine what it would be like for him if I just decided to leave him because some deadbeat coke dealer showed up and decided to be a "family" with us.
Not only is it irrational and selfish, but you're also putting your child in a very bad situation by exposing them to a father who is addicted to crack-cocaine.

It's honestly so heart breaking and disgusting. Like trading in a supra for a rusty, beat up civic, not even v-tec - like, it just doesn't make sense.

My son's dad

I've been on hiatus for a while because I'm currently busy with major assignments and finals coming up. I figured I'd write a quick blog post tonight before I disappear for the next few days though.

Today I got into contact with my son's dad after almost three months. 

I don't need to explain the details of his disappearance, however, after a Skype call and a brief explanation of what's been going on in his life, he confessed that things haven't been going all too well with him in the recent past, but that things are really looking better for him now. And I'm glad.

From time to time, my son's dad gets on my nerves and frustrates me more than anyone else, but at the end of the day, I still need him in my life to complete Matheson's - whether I like it or not. Now, as much trouble as it is to keep ties with him, I know it's in Matheson's best interest that I do my best to touch base with Tyler whenever I can, so I do.

Well, it was interesting today.

Anthony and Tyler don't talk. They've met a few times before and needless to say it's been awkward. However, they've always been civil with each other. Today, Matheson had a very aggressive fit of rage after his dad bailed on yet another Skype call so I told Anthony how furious I was about it. Well, call it what you will, but Anthony decided to let Tyler know about Matheson's behaviour and let him know the information I imparted to him. 

All I can say is that I was very appreciative of the way Anthony handled everything. It wasn't insulting, nor was it imposing in any way. In fact, he was very polite, civil, and approached Tyler very maturely. 

Tyler responded maturely as well, and surprisingly thanked Anthony for letting him know, then called me on Skype soon after.

While speaking to Matheson, Tyler did explain that he's been a "very bad person" and a "very bad dad" to Matheson. Not that it mattered - Matheson doesn't really know what's going on with his dad so he was just happy to see him. He did tell him that he missed him and loved him and I guess it was good for them to talk and see each other again. 

This isn't a rant about my growing disappointment in Tyler. For once, I'm actually very appreciative for the way today panned out. Although the call with Matheson's dad was very short-lived, it did show me a few things. 

First of all, it showed me that Tyler really is grateful for Anthony's presence in Matheson's life. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it does hurt Tyler knowing that there's another man that his son looks up to. I'm sure it hurts just knowing that there's another man doing a better job of showing that he cares and loves Matheson, but at least Tyler is aware of the fact that Matheson is benefitting from the role Anthony has in his life.

I'm lucky.

My son may not have an amazing father to boast about, but he does have a father that admits when he's wrong and despite his inability to adequately show it, he does have a father who cares about him deeply and loves him from the bottom of his heart. But with all the mistakes he's made, Matheson's dad can still appreciate everyone else's efforts in creating the loving environment for Matheson that he hardly takes part in.

But in contrast, though it's been established that Matheson doesn't have an amazing father, what he does have is an amazing friend and role model in Anthony that I am truly proud of. Although I've mentioned time and time again that Anthony has never tried to replace the role of Matheson's dad, he has still done everything he can to set a good example for Matheson and to be a loving and caring role model in his life. 

I mean what's in a title anyway? My son thinks Anthony is the smartest, strongest, and coolest person he's ever met. Matheson genuinely believes that there's nothing in the world Anthony can't do - with that, it's clear that it doesn't matter what "title" people have in my son's life, but rather, it matters what kind of an impact the people in his life create in it.

Overall, the reason why I'm really lucky is because despite the conventional relationships that most people in these situations have as a result of the animosities felt between all parties involved, I know that Anthony genuinely wants Tyler to be more involved in Matheson's life because he understands the importance of the role Tyler should be filling as Matheson's father. Likewise, Tyler wants Anthony to stay in Matheson's life because he too understands the importance of the role Anthony's been filling as both my boyfriend and Matheson's role model.

It's kind of weird and complicated, but at least I know that the men in my son's life are setting mature examples for him. 

Tyler has a lot of growing up to do still, but he's getting there I think. 

Hopefully the next few months go a little better, but no matter what happens, everyone in Matheson's life thus far have created such a loving and caring environment for him and I couldn't be happier.

Cheers to the last day of being 21

Today is my last day being 21.

In these very last moments of being 21, I can proudly say that I'm a happy mother, a happy girlfriend, a successful student and a successful business owner/partner.

A lot has happened in the 21 years and 364 days of my life, both good and bad, but everything I've ever done and everything that has ever happened in my life since the day I was born has led me to become the person I am today and my current success. I'm now seeing everything in my life turn into everything I ever wanted it to be and more. If I said it was simply a result of the hard work I dedicated to seeing my inspirations and dreams turn into a reality, I'd be lying. If it wasn't for all the support and loving relationships that inspired me every day to be a better person, I wouldn't be where I am today and I wouldn't wake up every morning with the smile that has made itself familiar with appearing on my face throughout the day.

This isn't going to be a very long post as most of my posts usually are. I just wanted to say that I'm eternally grateful for the people in my life that have turned me into the person I've become - even the people that have left their scars on me as a result of painful relationships.

In the past year, Matheson has continued to be my number one fan and largest inspiration, while Anthony has been the most supportive person in my life and one of the biggest contributing factors to my present self-confidence and the reason behind my current success. I am so blessed to have them in my life as well as all my family and friends who have been there for me to this point and supported me through everything and assured me that the choices I was making would in fact enhance my life even if I was still running the risk of ruining it.

Today I am 21 for the last time. Tomorrow I will be 22.

Today I am happy, proud, and grateful. Today I have two wonderful men in my life who love and support me and those same two men are the ones who continue to inspire the growing love and support I have for them.

Tomorrow - I expect nothing to change.

Although I can add another full year to the length of time I've existed in this world, every day that I get older, I'm adding life to those years and love to that life.

So for everyone who's helped me become the successful 21 year old that I am today, everyone who's affected me for both the good and the bad - thank you. I owe my success in life to my past experiences, my past relationships, my past triumphs, and my past failures. So to all of you who have made some impression on my life - either to lift me higher or to push me down - you did more to help me than you will ever know and whether you choose to share in my success as a contributing factor to the positive energy in my life, or try to squander my success by creating negative influences in my life - you're still a part of who I am today and who I will be in the years to follow - and I love you all for all of it.

So, 22, I welcome you with open arms - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Cheers to the last day of being 21!

Being Pregnant in High School

The common misconception people tend to have about being a pregnant teenager is that we drop out of school.

No, not all of us. Some do, but not all.

I got an email from someone asking me what it was like to be pregnant in high school. She's 17 and her and her boyfriend just recently found out they're expecting in 7 months.
First of all, I just want to say it's pretty awesome that I have strangers following me and coming to me for advice. Although I don't condone teen pregnancy in any way, I don't oppose it entirely either. I also respect the fact that this particular follower reached out to me looking for advice.

Well, I figured this was actually a good question because while most of my personal stories about the past involve some type of story - I've never really talked about the entire experience of just being pregnant in school.

Matheson & I before my prom

I think first I might address that I went to a Catholic school. Unfortunately, there are a lot of Catholic schools that still kick girls out for being pregnant because it's a negative display on against the sanctity of marriage and what not. I mean, if you have a problem going to a Catholic school and being gay - at least they don't kick you out. But the whole pre marital sex thing is still scorned in the Catholic church that often transpires as the basis of rule-making in Catholic schools. I do know of a few girls who were kicked out of school during their pregnancy because they were "showing" and we unable to return until after the child was born. However, as odd as it sounds, I was lucky enough to be in a school where teen pregnancy rates were actually quite rampant. Now, I don't normally think it's "lucky" to be a student in a school where every girl is having a baby, but at least in my case, I was given the choice to stay. The teaching staff and faculty were very understanding of my pregnancy and really tried to accommodate me.

I always got stares in the hallways because I was pregnant. I'm tiny too - I'm only five feet tall so it looked obscure to have this tiny little asian girl with a pregnant belly. They didn't really matter to me because these were people I didn't even know.

Celebrating my 17th birthday - 3 and a half months pregnant

To be honest though, I lost some of my closest friends after being pregnant. They just didn't deal with it very well. It's still fair to say that a lot of my friendships didn't change and were unaffected by the pregnancy. In fact, I'm still friends with many of these people to this day. They supported me throughout my pregnancy and really didn't care to be seen with me in public because nothing changed. But there were still a handful of people I used to call my "best friends" who just stopped talking to me altogether because I just didn't fit in their lifestyle anymore. I think it had to do with the negative stigma associated with teen pregnancy - it makes sense that they just didn't want to be apart of that. But I suppose they expected me to ruin my life from being pregnant and I guess that's what created the distinction of who my real friends were. The one's that stuck around were the ones that didn't doubt my ability to succeed despite the pregnancy. I actually think they had more confidence in my success than I had in myself. I am eternally grateful for them though, if it wasn't for them, it would have been a lot harder waking up to go to school most days.

Anyway, back to being pregnant in school.
I encountered A LOT of people who didn't hesitate to ask bizarre questions.
I remember people asking me if I was going to eat the placenta after the baby was born. To be quite honest, I thought it was really gross at the time. However, I recently found out that you don't really "eat the placenta", it get's dehydrated and powdered and put into capsules that you consume like a vitamin tablet. So although my answer at the time was no, I'm pretty sure I'd be willing to try it given the opportunity in the future. Seeing as there's scientific evidence of the health benefits for both myself and the child, I wouldn't rule it out.

A lot of people asked me why I didn't use birth control. First of all - just to clarify with everyone who doesn't already know the story - I was taking oral contraceptives. The doctor blamed it on a number of reasons why I could have gotten pregnant while on the pill, but the most likely case was that because I had a bladder infection around the time of conception and was taking antibiotics for it, the hormones in the birth control pills were being metabolized faster and that it may have been enough to reduce the effects of the birth control and lead to pregnancy.

People then asked me if I was going to drop out. Well - I was still in school when they asked me these questions so it only seemed likely that I would stay in school. My answer was always yes. I didn't see myself dropping out, I just couldn't fit it in my life plan.

I also had to wear a uniform - being in a Catholic secondary school and all, but I was able to get exemptions to the uniform because the pants were uncomfortable. I also had a weird misalignment of my hip bones and a doctor note stating that I should not be required to wear the uniform from 2 months into the pregnancy. It was pretty rad. On an interesting note, I remember being in the cafeteria one day and I got in trouble for not wearing the uniform by one of the cafeteria supervisors. She sent me to the office for it and when I told her I was pregnant, she was extremely confused because of how small I was. However, another cafeteria lady that knew me a little better told her that I was pregnant and I usually brought my uniform slip, I just didn't have it that day.

This picture was taken in the backyard of my friend who's
mom confronted me at school three years earlier about
not wearing the uniform during my pregnancy.
Small world.

I found out a few years later that the woman who confronted me about my pants was actually my friend's mom and apparently she was really embarrassed afterwards because she had no idea I was pregnant and she didn't even believe me when I told her I was. What's even funnier is that when my son was 3, my brother took him over to that friend's house and they played in their backyard. I wonder if her mom knew that he was the kid that I was pregnant with.

Well, yeah, for the most part - my school experience was okay in terms of the pregnancy.
It was funny because the attention was always different. It embarrassed most people to even ask me if I was pregnant. It scared a lot of people who didn't even know how babies were made - yes, there were students who didn't know where babies came from, at least not the REAL way. But overall, my teachers were awesome about it. I had a teacher named Ms. Fideli who's like a super feminist and it kind of drove me crazy, but during our final exams, she gave everyone chocolate and then gave me the rest because I had two mouths to feed. A lot of my teachers asked me what my plans were for the future, but they always had faith in me to do well because my grades were still really good.

I had 80s and 90s in most classes and I didn't have a problem getting accepted to universities and most of my acceptances came with entry scholarships.
Overall, my pregnancy changed my high school experience entirely, but it didn't impair my ability to succeed with my education.

Those of you who know me now can probably attest to that because you know I have multiple scholarships and bursaries, you know I do well in school despite having my son and still supporting him, I've been able to go three years in university and still maintain all my renewable scholarships with academically related conditions.

Anyway, I hope those reading this will understand that although it was trivial-to say the least-to be a pregnant teenager, it's not impossible to be a successful teen mom thereafter.

I just wanted to add that school may not be for everyone, but it shouldn't be cast aside just because you got pregnant. If you want your child to flourish then you need to make sure you can give him or her the future you think they deserve, even if that means making a few small sacrifices here and there just to put yourself through school or to acquire the training or educational tools to reach your career goals.
In today's society, not having a high school diploma or equivalent is detrimental to your success. You wouldn't even have the option of pursuing post secondary later in life when your child gets older and you decide you're ready to eventually pursue higher level education because you haven't even acquired the basic requirements to apply.

I don't judge people who can't finish high school because more likely than not, there are other factors to it than simply "being lazy" or "being stupid". There are plenty of capable people who get themselves into trying situations that hinders their ability to be in class or meet deadlines for assignments or prepare for tests. That, I understand. That, I sympathize with. I met a mother when I was pregnant, she had two children and was in her thirties. She was only 17 when she had her first son and she told me she was ostracised by her family and kicked out of her home. She had to work to prepare for the financial pressures of having a child and her boyfriend at the time was barely making ends meets just to have a place to live. That was in the 90s and at the time, there were no subsidies for childcare, if you were a teen mom, you HAD to pay for childcare or you HAD to stay home and watch your children. We live in a different time and it's very possible for young women with children to succeed on their own. It's a matter of prioritizing and projecting your dreams and goals into a future that doesn't just involve your child but surrounds them entirely. You may need to make the sacrifice of being with your child all the time because you need to be in school or something, but in the long run, you're helping to secure their future by securing your own. And that was always what drove me to stick with my education even though all I wanted to do was stay at home and be with my son all day.

Well, if your only reason for wanting to drop out of school is that you got pregnant, trust me, you have the means and resources of finishing your education.

Never ever ever ever let your child be an excuse to hinder your success. Your child should only ever be the reason why you strive even harder in your life to reach your academic and career goals. If your child is an excuse for your failure instead of an inspiration to succeed - then you have no business being a parent and you should seriously reevaluate your life.

With that, I just wanted to say that I am eternally grateful for all the support and help I had in high school. From family, friends, from teachers and coworkers and my supervisors who always tried to accommodate me and my situation - they all contributed to my success in one way or another during my pregnancy and I couldn't have been luckier to have those people in my life.

My Labour and Delivery

Someone asked me to write about my labour and delivery and I said I would write about it last week. That didn't end up happening because I was busy.
Well, knowing that I'm going to be busy again this Thursday, I figured I'd move the Throwback Thursday post to today since I can still call it TBT.

Well, first of all, no, my labour and delivery was not a horror birth story where I was screaming in pain and there was blood everywhere and all that good stuff.

I cruised through my labour.
Let me tell you why.
I prepared for my labour & delivery extensively for two weeks and prepped myself for every worse case scenario. I even made myself a "Contraction Chart" to measure each contract and their frequency over the period of an hour.

It was 9 am on July 21, 2009. I thought I was having Braxton Hicks, but I measured them anyway because I'm anal like that. Sure enough, each contraction was about 10 minutes apart over the course of an hour. The next hour they were steadily 8 minutes apart. The next three hours after that they ranged between 5-7 minutes apart and finally by 7 o'clock that same evening each contraction was about 3 minutes apart.

I called my best friend at the time who was also a teen mom and had her son only 8 months before my son was born. Neither of us drove, so she actually got her son's father to drive us to the hospital. I remember her telling me to act like I was in pain because they wouldn't admit me if they didn't think I was actually going into labour - but I'm not a very good actor and pretending to be in pain is definitely not my forte.

When the nurse came in to check on me before the doctor saw me, she asked me a few basics like what signs I was experiencing in terms of contractions and such. I told her I wasn't in pain, but my abdomen would build pressure and tense up for about a minute and then it would relax. I told her that it occurred very frequently, every 3 minutes for the past two hours, and soon enough a doctor was in to see me. He did his examination and said I was four centimetres dilated and would be having that baby in the next few hours. My friend just gave me the biggest smile and I was just in shock because I was sitting there expecting my water to break or some heart wrenching pain to come over me - nothing.

We ended up taking a walk to speed up the labour and after looking for a vending machine around the hospital, we ended up getting locked out of the emergency ward because it was already after hours. Well, sometime between trying to find our way back to getting to the labour and delivery ward, the contractions hit me like a bloody effing storm.

I had to walk back, so we did. When we were outside the hospital walking across the parking lot, it started raining. Security stopped us, probably because he thought I was being kidnapped or running away - I was in a one of those lame medical gowns so I'm pretty sure it looked suspicious at 12 in the morning.

By the time we got to Labour & Delivery and were sent to the delivery room, I was in excruciating pain. I'm also the type of person who has pretty big balls for a chick so I refused to scream or cry. I just sat there barring my teeth, cursing the anesthesiologist under my breath for taking his precious time with the epidural.

They had to break my water - which felt gross, by the way, so I'm not getting into detail with that. I didn't feel a thing. The contractions just felt like a pressure and I was cracking jokes with my friend while the nurse was obviously getting frustrated with my efforts at being a comedian during labour.

Anyway, I couldn't push my son out because I was very weak. Or at least my muscles didn't have the strength to push out a baby. I was probably pushing for a few hours and you could tell the nurse was getting impatient with me. The heartbeat of my fetus was also being monitored and he was starting to get distressed from being in there for so long. Apparently pushing a baby out is supposed to take less than hour. It took me about three. I was 10 cm dilated at 1 am, my son wasn't born until 4:45 am so you can do the math on that one.

Well, with that, my son wasn't breathing when he was born. He didn't cry and I didn't get to hold him.

The doctor was already in the room to deliver the baby, but because he wasn't crying - he sent the nurse to get help. When I asked if my baby was okay, he quickly said "Don't worry he's just sleeping." and rushed to tend to my baby, though I couldn't see what was going on because he was surrounded by people in scrubs.

Honestly, he wasn't breathing for a grand total of 2 minutes, but that 2 minutes felt like forever. I just remember looking at my friend, completely terrified. She was crying, I was crying, and we were both about ready to get up and pull everyone away from the table to see what was going on with my child because in that time, we still hadn't heard a single cry out of him.

I guess that was the worst case scenario I was dreading. In that two minutes, we didn't hear him cry, and to be honest, we didn't know if we ever would.

Finally, though, he cried, just wailing like a fucking trooper.

The doctor told me that my son stopped breathing because he was in so much distress from being in the birth canal for hours. Well... That should teach all you pregnant ladies to do your kegels extensively before giving birth.

Anyway, they had to wipe off all the blood and weigh and measure him and do all that stuff before I could hold him, but when I finally did he was fast asleep. I wish I could relive that moment over and over and over again because it was truly the best feeling in the world, seeing your baby's face for the first time and falling in love.

I guess you could say my delivery was easy. I mean there's a whole realm of stories about the pain thereafter and the recovery and the first week of Matheson's life in general, but all in due time.

If there's anything to be said about this experience...

Drink castor oil so you don't shit the bed when you give birth, and do your kegels.

But just to clarify, I did drink castor oil and I did not shit the bed when I pushed out my son.
Life lessons.

Everyday enemies

I don't really have any enemies. There are people I don't willingly associate with because we have bad chemistry or bad history, but I mean, I've had my fair share of enemies in the past that it's actually very pointless to even have any now.

I tried teaching the difference between protagonist and antagonist to Matheson because he always plays "Pretend" and assumes the role of both the good and bad guys depending on where his creative mind takes him. He tends to assume that HE's the enemy because he's the bad guy, but I told him that if we're focusing on him - although he may not be the hero, he's not "the enemy" either.

For anyone out there that missed out on the high school English lesson, the protagonist isn't the good guy. It's the main character - good or evil. So whichever opposing force the main character stands against, well that's the antagonist - the main character's enemy.

Anyway, this got into a funny debate because by my son's logic, if you're evil you're the enemy, and I told him that in most cases, it's true because in most cases, the main character is the good guy. But then I told him that everyone is the main character in their own head and whether or not they're evil, who ever stands against them is their enemy no matter what side of the cause they're on.

It took him a while to get it, but he finally did. 

Obviously, it wasn't just about that, because if it was, then this wouldn't be a blog post, it would be a Facebook status.

I like to use the little life lessons I impart with my son as a way of enhancing myself and who I am as a person. It's a lot easier to see the character you want to be when you wish the same of your children. Of course, we can run by the notion that I shouldn't have expectations for my son because I should be teaching him about "loving yourself for who you are", but let me just add in the fact that if children were meant to "just be themselves" without living up to certain parental expectations then there would be no necessity for parental guidance. Then in that case, parents would only be around solely for protective measures and providing adequate nourishment until said child is old enough to fend for his or herself. Nope. Sorry, that's not how it works in my house. I set realistic expectations (keyword: realistic) for my son to help him become a better person and those expectations I set for him are the same expectations I set for myself. 

Let me also add, that as a parent, it is entirely up to you to determine what being a "better" person means. Sometimes when parents have these different views of what's "better" they often clash socially. Whether or not we can categorize any of these views as being "right" or "wrong", we know with certainty that when their views are radically different from each other, there will always be constant opposition. The key is firmly believing in what YOU believe to be right because your loyalty to your convictions is just one of those things that, well, makes you a better person.

Back to the main point because I went off track again, I teach my son principles and virtues and I expect him to follow them. I expect certain behaviours from him and at this age, I do expect a level of propriety from him as well, but nothing so extreme, I mean the kid's four. 

So I taught him about enemies and allocating hate. 

Enemies aren't always bad people. But you always have to remember, if someone is your enemy, you can bet your ass that you're their enemy too.

And are you always necessarily bad? No, not always, but in some cases, you may or may not have done a bad thing to create an enemy for yourself and that's where these life lessons come into play. I like to teach my son that there is always more than one side to things and if someone else is mad at me, then maybe I should look at what I did to figure out why before pointing the blame at them in retaliation.

I told Matheson that when we get older and our lives start to change, we're going to fight and we're going to argue, and things may get ugly, but I don't want to make an enemy out of him and I don't want him to make an enemy out of me.

Then I told him I don't have any enemies.

There are people in this world that I don't see eye to eye with. There are many that I don't agree with and my views differ from theirs. But I don't let those things turn into hostilities and hatreds because that's silly. The only people that truly deserve my hate in this world are radical extremists and Susan Fennell. But because I typically don't associate with any of the aforementioned, I don't hate anyone. I don't hold grudges over old faults and sour exchanges with people who have been a part of my life on a personal basis.

Why? I don't find much logic in burned bridges because if we're going to use that as an example, then let me make it clear that there will always be a boat, a plane, or a rope swing to get to the other side IF you want to. 

What if we choose not to? That's fine, but leave the ashes alone. 

The only thing I don't understand is that people linger on the hate involved in burning a bridge to begin with. The way I see it, if a bridge is burned, you should never revisit the ashes just to linger on harboured hatred. There are only two reasons you should ever return to the site of a burned down bridge. 

1. To pay your respect and reminisce on the good things about being able to cross over to the other side. 

2. You're determined to rebuild it or find another means of making it across. 

End of story.

For those of you who revisit burned bridges without planning to make that trip for either of those two purposes, then stop. You're hurting yourself, it's not healthy, you're better off pretending the other side of the bridge didn't exist to begin with. I mentioned this before in a previous post, but even after you burn a bridge, you should always do your best to wish them well on the other side no matter how hard it may be to wish well upon those who may wish ill upon you. 

I'm the furthest from perfect, but I can't wish ill upon people who so happened to get on my bad side at a point in my past. Odds are likely, if things got that bad to begin with, then they could probably use more luck than I do. So with that, I can only wish them the best because they need it.

After explaining that, I told Matheson not to make enemies. If they make an enemy out of him, then that's fine. Let it be. 

You will argue and dispute over a number of things and though your arguments may range from subtle disagreements to views against which you strongly oppose, never become hostile and never harbour hatred over such silly things.

I tend to say that I hate a lot of things as a point of expression, but I really don't hate anything except - as I mentioned before, radical extremists and Susan Fennell. 

As you grow older, you go through life and you get hurt and pushed around a few times. Sometimes its hard to get up, but for me, it's from those instances and the recovery thereafter that trigger the realization that I have no reason to have enemies. I like to argue and debate, but I don't fancy fighting. I don't fancy drama, and least of all, I don't have the energy to hate anyone. I think the only person in the world that has affected me in such a way to deserve my hate would be my son's father and even then, despite the disappointment, there is no hostility or hatred, I honestly just wish he get's better and something in him inspires change to be a better person because whether or not he deserves it, I know my son does. 

So finally, I told Matheson, that in this world, there is only one true reason to hate someone and it's because they affected the way you loved someone else. Though even then, no one is worth your hate, not now, not ever - unless it is Susan Fennell.

Hate is such a powerful emotion and requires so much stress and energy that in order to truly hate someone, you inspire your own personal evil. 

This is where you ruffle your kid's hair and tell them you love them and if they treat the world well then the world will treat you well. 

It's one of those weird things I learned from my boyfriend, but it's one of the things that changed the way I lived my life. Well as far as I'm concerned, enemies - past, present and future - are part of the world we share and although I may owe them nothing, I still impart with them my good will and wishes for good fortune because even though I get nothing in return, it's better to teach my son to be generous with his happiness than it is to teach him to deter it with hate.

"Everyone has an invisible bucket"

I deem this picture appropriate because this Matheson in the
Matty Bucket

So my son introduced this concept to me that he learned in school today about this invisible bucket.

It's a metaphor for our "happiness". To put it simply, everyone has an invisible bucket that is filled with things that make us happy. However, other people are responsible for filling your bucket, and the objective is to live a life filling everyone else's buckets and if they are good people, they will fill yours too.

My son first approached me with the odd statement "Mama, you have a bucket!"

"I have a bucket?"

"Yeah! And I have a bucket too!"

"We have buckets!?"

"We have invisible buckets!"

"Where are these buckets?"

"How am I supposed to know!? They're invisible, I can't see them."

"Okay, so what goes in these buckets?"

"Good things."

"Good things like what? What's this bucket for?"

So this is where it got a bit muddled and I'm paraphrasing now because he started blabbering on about an incident in school that won't make sense in the explanation if I cite - verbatim - what he said.

He told me that everyone has an invisible bucket. When you do good things for someone or tell them nice things, then there bucket fills up and they become happy.

When you do bad things to people or hurt them, or as my son put it "make fun of my friends and push other kids because bad people can't be patient for snack time" then the people you hurt will have empty buckets. 

I told him, that doesn't really make sense, why don't the bad people get penalized? Why do we lose what's in our bucket when other people hurt us?

My son said that bad people don't need to lose anything in their buckets because being a bad person and being guilty is punishment enough. And besides, when you're a bad person, people will stop filling your bucket anyway - a good point, I might add.

So I elaborated on this for a bit because I really liked this concept.

I asked him if he knew what equal means. He said yes, and that it means the same. So I asked him, "If everyone gets treated equal, then do we all have equal buckets?"

He replied accordingly "Yes, we all have equal buckets."
So I asked if he could explain to me what he thought that meant.

He thought about it for a bit and finally said, "No, I need help."

So I asked him, "If I treat someone bad, and you treat someone bad, and we all treat each other bad. What do our buckets look like?"

He screamed, "EMPTY! ALL EMPTY! EMPTY EVIL BUCKETS!"

So then I asked him, "Now, if we all treat each other well and we do good things for others, are our buckets going to be empty?"

"No, of course not, do you even know how the buckets work!?" he responded.

So I posed another question to him, "Well, is that how the world works? Is everyone nice to each other and is everyone good to each other?"

"No, there are bad guys too."

"What do we to people who empty our buckets?"

"We leave them alone."

"Why do we leave them alone?"

"Because they emptied our buckets and we don't want them to keep emptying our buckets."

"Okay. Matheson, there aren't just good people or bad people out there and everyone's buckets are a little different. Some of them are fuller than others and some of them are much emptier. If someone has an empty bucket, what does that mean?"

"It mean's that people are saying bad things to them or doing bad things to them."

"Okay. If you had an empty bucket, would you try to fill someone else's bucket or would you try to empty their bucket so that it was like yours?"

"I would try to empty their bucket because that's not fair."

"Matty, sometimes life isn't about being fair. Sometimes you need to be good to others even when they're not good to you. People who are mean to you and try to empty your bucket are probably doing it because their buckets are already empty. But what do you think is the right thing to do to with someone who has an empty bucket?"

"You fill it up."

"Exactly. Maybe if you filled up their empty bucket, they'll be good too and try to help fill other people's buckets."

"Ohhhhh! I get it!! So if a boy is mean to me and tries to empty my bucket with mean words, I should still try to fill his bucket with nice words because maybe he's just being mean because he's not happy?"

"Precisely."

"Okay! I like that idea!"

"Me too."

Usually after discussions like this, I ask my son to tell me what he learned. We had to go over it a few more times just to make sure he knew what the difference was between "doing the right thing" and "doing the fair thing."

I could go into debate about that for ages though. It's not as easy as being good to others all the time. I understand it's hard to be good to people who hurt you and that's mainly because after meeting many types of people over the course of my very dramatic life, I've realized that it is very hard to let go of anger and pain left as a mark of other people's doing. However, it's still possible.

After discussing the invisible buckets with Matheson today, I realized I still have a lot to learn as an adult and as a mother. Life isn't as easy as filling buckets, but there is a lesson to be learned there. Doing good by others, no matter how much trouble they've caused you in your life is one of the hardest yet most loving and selfless act you can do as a human being. I guess I'm still working on it myself, but at least I know my life isn't filled with hate for others. I may have had bad experiences and broken relationships with friends here and there, but I can honestly say that I will always wish the best for them because once the dust has settled, I can't sincerely wish ill upon any other human being and that's simply one of the principles I wish to engrain in my son's life.

Without saying names, yesterday, I believe I may have hurt a friend of mine. Although I was honest with that person, I think I could have been less harsh. That person did not hurt me, and although there were feelings of irritation and annoyance felt on my end, that person was usually very good to me.

I suppose in that sense, I do owe an apology and when the dust settles, I'll reach out and make that apology. Not for my honesty of course, I never apologize for being honest, but for the delivery of my message and the hurt I know it caused them. 

It's funny that my son would have that topic of discussion for me after school today. I guess you could say that I said things that may have emptied a bit of my friend's bucket and my son was right, the punishment is in the guilt and simply knowing what you did to hurt them. 

Even though I know we're both forgiving people and this whole thing will blow over shortly, simply doing wrong by others is something I need to work on, as do most adults. Luckily for me, at least there's a degree of how bad a wrong you do unto others that differentiates a mendable relationship versus a burned bridge and I'm fortunate to say this one is mendable. 

But if I've learned anything from being a parent and making sure I commit to my values and my principles, it's that even after bridges are burned, the mother in me knows it is simply the right thing to wish the best for the person on the other side and hope that they're doing well too.

Does my child spend too much time in front of a screen?

 First, I just wanted to apologize for my lack of writing the past week.
It was a critical week at school for me so I didn't have ANY free time whatsoever, hence the hiatus.

Now that it's Sunday, and I have time away from the books, so, I'm finally getting back on this.

The past few months, I've been somewhat conflicted with Matheson and school and now with starting up the new business that my head was all over the place and I was constantly out of balance, throwing things on the back burner, etc.

Being fairly independent at the age of four, it's easy for Matheson to just turn on a movie, maybe watch some cartoons on the telly, or turn on my mom's tablet and stare at a screen for hours while I studied or worked on orders. Am I proud of that? No. It's hardly parenting, but the thing is, it's just so easy to tell your children to "give you a second" while you're working on an assignment. That "second" usually turns into a couple of minutes, and sometimes even a couple of hours with the few exceptions of getting up to prepare their food or a give them a snack. Well, it's no surprise that in this time, they're finding something else to do and the first thing on the list is to turn on the telly.

Ironically, one of the assignments I was working on this week was a persuasive essay gaited towards corporate management and developing an argument that stressed the critical value of corporate social responsibility. Okay, so that's not the ironic part. The ironic part was that I had to define some sort of corporate initiative that would exemplify a company's social responsibility through community involvement; well, the issue I chose to work with was the rise in childhood obesity. See the irony yet? Probably not.

Okay, so a huge part of the research portion of the assignment involved sieving through the gibberish of publications released by Statistics Canada and a number of those publications showed the positive correlation between the rise in childhood obesity and the increase in hours of screen time per child over the span of four years - 2007 to 2011 (The study was published in 2012). The study was done on different age groups, but the numbers were staggering for children ages 4-6. I honestly had to take a second to just sit back and determine how the numbers were so high.

I sort of figured the population of moms with young children were starting to saturate with "whole foods" moms... I call them whole foods moms because they're the types of moms that are sort of hippie-ish and you'd expect them to have super cancer-prevention mom clubs. Well, I guess they're not taking up much of the "moms with young children" population because the numbers prove otherwise.

Anyway, I'm not going to describe the rest of my assignment, but the point is, the research component made me really think about what Matheson was doing with this time. He plays a lot with his toys and his imagination runs absolutely wild, but I haven't been keeping track of his screen time.

Say what you will about my parenting, but I would surely like to see many of you try to go to university, run a business, raise a child, and still maintain a little bit of your own personal life - WITHOUT letting your child watch the telly, or turn on a movie or play with some other electronic device to occupy their time.

Well, for anyone who knows me, I think holding your commitments to your values and principles is the most important thing you can do as a mother and as a person. One of those values would be to practice what you damn well preach. I can't go around writing essays about fat children spending too much time in front a screen without doing something about it in my own home.

I decided to create a screen time log for Matheson.
It's basically a record that we'll be using to monitor his screen time so that we can keep it under 15 hours per week. A lot of you would think it's easy, but with the average weekly screen time being between 20-29 hrs per child between the ages of 4-6 years old, it's a lot harder than you'd be willing to believe.

I also wanted to say that screen time doesn't just mean being in front of the telly. With so much technology accessible to your children just from your own home, it's no wonder that there were still 100,000 Canadian children (ages 4-6) who spent MORE than 40 hours in front of a screen every week.

So, I do believe this is a good way to regulate Matheson's screen time. Being as busy as I am, I think this method is suitable for my situation. A lot of moms might say, "Why don't you just keep an eye on him so he's not using electronics or watching the telly all the time?" well, as I mentioned before, I spend a lot of time working on assignments, studying, talking to clients or working on orders - My time at home isn't a luxury, it's work. Keeping a log is the easiest way for me to regulate how much time he's spent in front of a screen. After the first week, I can actually see the real numbers and I can use it to plan out some time consuming activities for him. On top of that, I can also write blog posts about the activities we do together in case any of you busybody moms are having the same problem as me.

Hopefully this works, I'm going to have to write a follow-up on this in a few weeks to record my own progress with this. But ultimately, it's not about raising my son to be a complete health nut because I never followed suit to that lifestyle. It's more or less about raising my son to be diversified with whatever else the world has to offer and to be quite honest, sitting in front of a screen for 20 hours a week just isn't going to help us get there.