When I was a teenager my relationships were very juvenile. I could say I was a little more mature than others in the way that I was often very considerate of my boyfriends' freedoms and I rarely harboured jealousies. I was also very nurturing and put a lot of effort into making things work. It wasn't because I felt they deserved being treated well - they often didn't - I did it because as a 16-19 year old, I felt it secured my position in the relationship, as most insecure teenagers do.
I didn't know I was immature at the time because I still did many things for my exes that were considerably generous, and I thought that was the mature thing to do. I realized later that I only did things if I knew it would merit a higher benefit for me in the long run - because apparently I was the queen of underlying, self-centred goals. However, you get to a point where you just grow up. The only thing is that when I grew up and developed a more mature take on relationships, the same could never be said for the men I dated. I constantly found myself dating guys that were complete babies. I know women in their forties and fifties that tell you men will never grow up, but I figured out later on that if you start off dating a baby, he will stay a baby because he can get away with it. So I started looking for guys that were considered "more mature men" by societal convention. I was in a year and a half relationship with a guy who would lie to me about being high when he came to visit my son and me. He didn't have a job so I always paid for our dates and he stopped going to school and spent his spare time on my facebook account reading my personal messages with other people... So after that ended, ANY man was "more mature" than he was in my eyes. So I started dating men that either had careers, or were in school with competitive marks and a sense of ambition that drove them to their goals.
But that was when I realized that maturity can take many forms and while you might be mature with your career, you're no where near the maturity level you should have in order to be part of a committed relationship. The more I dated, the more I learned and that's how I found where I wanted to be and I know where I want to stay. But here's the thing about learning these things while being a young mom....
I do a lot of observation and I noticed that there's a negative stigma towards teen moms because the ones who have shaped the stereotypes for us are the teen moms that tend to get older, but they don't really grow up. They keep that teen mom mentality well into their adulthood and they end up living a life-long drama. There's always some sort of a scene to be caused over "he said, she said" bull shit which then transpires to other aspects of life including parenting and romantic relationships. That's where things start to go wrong and those stereotypes start becoming labels that hit too close to home.
After observing other people's relationships, I realized that my boyfriend's and mine is happy and healthy and considerably mature. Don't get me wrong, we're both complete goofballs, but - where it counts, we've both accepted that we have a lot to learn and we're both readily willing to grow and mature with each other. The best thing about being a couple that accepts having ups and downs is that when we have our ups, they're the uppitiest of ups and when we have our downs, they turn into the funniest of ups anyway.
From the outside looking in, people simply didn't see that. They knew I dated A LOT of guys, but they didn't know that Matheson never met any of them, they all just assumed that I was bringing random guys around my son all the time.
Generally speaking, it is not healthy for your kids to see you switching partners like a new pair of socks every morning. So I didn't let my son see my socks and that's all there was to it.
Teenagers without kids date whoever they want, whenever they want, and wherever they want because they can do so without influencing someone with a fragile and sensitive psyche.
Teen parents seem to think that they're no exception to this and can go frolicking around with a different partner every Tuesday, while entirely disregarding the fact that their children are fully aware. Then they expect it not to cause any harm? Right.
It creates confusion and instability and yields long-term effects that shape a child's future. That's not even a question, it's just common sense.
Many teen parents don't (but ought to) put themselves in their kids' positions.
Think about it..
When the person you look up to the most has screwed up relationships back and forth and then proceed to flaunt it in your face during the most vulnerable and influential stages of your life, well, only if you are one of the rare anomalies to this cycle will you escape from exhibiting similar habits in your own life. So as a young, single parent, just imagine what your fucked up relationships are doing to your children.
Many teen parents don't (but ought to) put themselves in their kids' positions.
Think about it..
When the person you look up to the most has screwed up relationships back and forth and then proceed to flaunt it in your face during the most vulnerable and influential stages of your life, well, only if you are one of the rare anomalies to this cycle will you escape from exhibiting similar habits in your own life. So as a young, single parent, just imagine what your fucked up relationships are doing to your children.
Accept it, your friends can go around dating whomever the fuck they want because they don't have kids, but news flash, you do have a kid and it's your responsibility to make sure your relationships are either healthy or completely unseen by your children until you know with certainty that it will benefit them.
Yeah, I get it. When you're young, you're expected to experiment with relationships until you figure out who you are and who you want to be with. But having a child at a young age changes those expectations of you. And let's face it, if you think being a parent at a young age shouldn't affect the way you conduct yourself in a relationship, then don't be surprised when your children are young adults and start conducting themselves the same way as you showed them.
By general convention, you find the one you're meant to be with and settle down with them. Then you have kids with them in the environment that you both choose to create for your children and from that point, you and your partner create a model relationship that you hope your children will follow. But a teen mom's situation is by no means part of the "general convention".
The way mommy and daddy or mommy and mommy or daddy and daddy treat each other in a loving environment will shape how children learn to treat their partners as adults. What they see in your relationships with others will shape what kind of treatment and respect they they give and accept to and from their partners. Now if mommy has boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend and little boy sees all these relationships fall apart, what example do you think is being left with little boy and how will that shape how he chooses to treat women when he's older? Exactly. He will be as flip floppy as the men who walk in and out of your life because that's all he sees, that's all he knows.
By general convention, you find the one you're meant to be with and settle down with them. Then you have kids with them in the environment that you both choose to create for your children and from that point, you and your partner create a model relationship that you hope your children will follow. But a teen mom's situation is by no means part of the "general convention".
The way mommy and daddy or mommy and mommy or daddy and daddy treat each other in a loving environment will shape how children learn to treat their partners as adults. What they see in your relationships with others will shape what kind of treatment and respect they they give and accept to and from their partners. Now if mommy has boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend and little boy sees all these relationships fall apart, what example do you think is being left with little boy and how will that shape how he chooses to treat women when he's older? Exactly. He will be as flip floppy as the men who walk in and out of your life because that's all he sees, that's all he knows.
I mean from any point of view, moms and dads who have sketchy relationships with other people and introduce all their "lovers" to their kids is just bad news bears. I would date guys for over 4 months and I still wouldn't introduce them to my son because there was no certainty.
As far as my son was aware, there was only one picture that was painted in our lives - mommy and Mathey and that was it.
Eventually, when Anthony came into the picture, I made sure we were in it for all the right reasons. I made sure that it was because we love, trust and respect each other, have the willingness to grow with each other, and work with our differences like adults should. It wasn't about finding a replacement father for my son or a security blanket for myself. It was about knowing who I was and being with someone who would take part in my self-discovery and vice versa. Of course, the moment I introduced Anthony to my son as being "mommy's boyfriend", my relationship was forced into the aspect of parenting, but I was sure that I was making the right decision. The way my boyfriend treats me is exactly the way a gentleman should treat a lady and I knew that this was the example of a man that I wanted my son to have.
The way I treat my boyfriend is the way that I expect any lady to treat a man and between myself and my boyfriend, I believe that Matheson has an excellent example to follow.
It didn't just work out properly by chance, it worked out this way because I put on my adult pants and matured in a way that allowed me to shape my decision making skills so that I considered the long term effects it would have on my son, my boyfriend, and myself.
As far as my son was aware, there was only one picture that was painted in our lives - mommy and Mathey and that was it.
Eventually, when Anthony came into the picture, I made sure we were in it for all the right reasons. I made sure that it was because we love, trust and respect each other, have the willingness to grow with each other, and work with our differences like adults should. It wasn't about finding a replacement father for my son or a security blanket for myself. It was about knowing who I was and being with someone who would take part in my self-discovery and vice versa. Of course, the moment I introduced Anthony to my son as being "mommy's boyfriend", my relationship was forced into the aspect of parenting, but I was sure that I was making the right decision. The way my boyfriend treats me is exactly the way a gentleman should treat a lady and I knew that this was the example of a man that I wanted my son to have.
The way I treat my boyfriend is the way that I expect any lady to treat a man and between myself and my boyfriend, I believe that Matheson has an excellent example to follow.
It didn't just work out properly by chance, it worked out this way because I put on my adult pants and matured in a way that allowed me to shape my decision making skills so that I considered the long term effects it would have on my son, my boyfriend, and myself.
When you're a teen mom, no one is going to tell you how to work the ropes of your love life. So you kind of have to screw up a few times before getting it right.
Whether you're a teen mom or a teen dad or just a person who's dating a parent, make a note of this life lesson...
Parent relationships CANNOT be based solely on how much you love and respect the other person. No, it really can't.
Not when you have a child to consider before making any and every action you take.
When you're a single mom or single dad, whether you're an adult or a teen, a relationship at this stage in your life should be about how much you love and respect yourself and your child(ren), because only when this is established will you be able to let another person into the most intimate and private aspects of your life.
I think we can all agree that it takes a very special kind of person to love and respect not only a parent, but every aspect of their situation, and their child(ren) as a whole package. Only when a person like that is found should you ever let them into your life. Because when you love and respect your self and your child(ren), you'll only have room for the type of person that can show you the love and respect that you and your child(ren) deserve. And in turn, a person like that is the only person worthy of receiving the same love and respect that you've learned to accept.
It's not easy growing up... in fact, you'll never stop growing up.
It's not easy growing up... in fact, you'll never stop growing up.I guess growing up with all the right people is what shapes the best of us, it's what makes the difference between those who fall under categorized stereotypes and those who break from it.
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